Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Sep 20
2009

Why do bad things happen to good people? There is always a deeper spiritual purpose behind the “bad” things that happen in the physical realm. Time, experience, and hindsight ultimately provide answers.

Many “bad” physical things have happened to me: my divorce from my first husband,  struggles caring for a family member hooked on drugs, the sudden death of  my second husband, a landlord who evicted me because he thought he could get more money from someone else. At least, they felt bad, unjustified, and unexplainable at the time.

Is this Higher Power’s way of strengthening me with courage, deepening me with compassion, clarifying my values, and moving me along the path I am intended to go? Not my will, but Thine?

I never thought I would divorce my husband. I believe in commitment and accountability. Yet when he became involved with another woman and refused to end the relationship, I found myself sitting in a spiritual limbo. I felt degraded to nothing more than a baby sitter, cook, and housekeeper. I had lost my partner. Perhaps I never had one. We were simply on different spiritual paths.

I agonized for months over whether to stay or whether to leave. After all, we had three children, all of whom I loved dearly. I struggled with anger, guilt, and fear. Ultimately I left the marriage and applied to law school.

I had never considered being a lawyer. The divorce radically shifted my path. After almost twenty years of staying home to care for husband, home, and children, I had to find a way to support myself financially on the physical plane. On the spiritual plane, I  felt compelled to find a way to speak about the mystical experience I had had years ago. Law school could teach me to think and speak with more clarity. None of this was easy.

Would I have become a lawyer had I remained married? Probably not.

My struggles in a relationship where a family member was addicted to cocaine propelled me into Naranon, a twelve step support group for families and friends of addicts. Would I ever have become aware of my own addictions to people and relationships, but for that experience? Would I ever have realized the value of setting boundaries and tough love? Would I ever have learned to focus on my own issues and stop trying to change others? Would I ever have learned the value of using first person singular language when speaking? The words then become simply my own thoughts. They are no longer ideas I am forcing on others, but, at the same time, I am free to express what I truly think and feel.

When my second husband Don died suddenly of a heart attack on Roatan, Honduras, it was, of course, a terrible shock. My life immediately afterwards was not easy. His death changed my life direction drastically. Among other things, I no longer had a home in the States.

Don was 14 years older than I. He had heart problems and had begun to lose his balance and fall a lot of the time. His mind was not as sharp as it used to be. It was becoming a full time job to care for him.

When I look at his death from hindsight, I can’t help but wonder if the timing and manner were exactly right. Have you heard of people making agreements before they enter this physical life to relate to one another in a particular way? I can’t help but wonder if Don and I did that.

After Don’s death, I simply holed up in the house in Roatan and wrote Shift, the book I’ve known for 35 years I had to write. Would I have had the time and focus to write a book had Don wasted away for years? Probably not.

When my landlord in a foreign country evicted me because he thought he’d found another tenant who would pay him more money and give him a longer term lease, I was furious. The anger again made me aware of how important commitment , accountability, and trust were to me. I struggled to find ways to enforce those values in a country that had little respect them. On the physical plane, it was not a struggle I could win. Even though my landlord had violated our agreement, I soon discovered I had no legal right to stay. On the spiritual plane, I had help in ways I could never have imagined.

I left as quickly as I could. With the breach of trust and lack of accountability, I didn’t want to pay this man any more money than necessary. I had to let go and trust Universal Energy to take care of the “bad” physical things. I was not disappointed.

Shortly after I left, my landlord’s wonderful new tenant breached his lease with the landlord. He hasn’t rented the house since.

An astute, spiritual friend said to me eighteen months ago when I was first having challenges with the builder of my home, “Haven’t you figured out yet that you aren’t supposed to live there?” No, I hadn’t. I’m stubborn. I will exhaust every viable avenue I can think of to resolve a situation or relationship issue before I’ll walk away. However, when Higher Power doesn’t want me to stay where I am, She just keeps slapping me harder and harder and putting more and more roadblocks in my way until I have no choice but to move in a new direction. From hindsight, the new direction is invariably the one my spiritual path is intended to take.

TOOLS FOR TRANSFORMATION – FORGIVENESS

Sep 14
2009

Two Perspectives on Gratitude as a Tool for Forgiveness

Dr. Amit Nagpal, New Delhi, India, and

Dr. Janet Smith Warfield, Florida, USA

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Dr. Amit Nagpal’s Perspective

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Amit Nagpal

Forgiveness gives peace and unburdens the heart and soul.

No, it’s not easy to forgive at times, nor will forgiving always help. It may be easy to forgive our juniors but it may be difficult to forgive parents, teachers, doctors, superiors because we expect them to be more mature. We expect some people and professions to be perfect, but no one is perfect. Grudges which result from lack of forgiveness can be slow poison.

Why and when should we forgive?

Forgive in your own interest

We should forgive simply because we and the wrongdoer both deserve to be forgiven. When we forgive, we lessen the burden on ourselves. If we don’t forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, we’ll carry guilt throughout our lives.

Once a lady who was having severe knee pain went to a sage and complained about her sister and how she had been seriously harmed because of her. The sage asked her to forgive and remove the grudges from her mind. She told the sage that if the sage were in her position, he, too, would not have been able to forgive her, so serious was the harm and hurt caused. The sage had to make lot of effort to convince her that by keeping grudges and not forgiving her sister she was harming herself. Finally, she was able to forgive her sister and as soon as she forgave, her knee pain started disappearing.

Forgive because we are human

Human beings will always make mistakes and sometimes lose control over themselves. Understanding this human vulnerability helps us forgive. When we set an example of being forgiving, we, too, are forgiven for our mistakes.

While reading Lord Buddha’s story, it was interesting to note that his cousin was jealous of Buddha’s enlightenment. He even made an attempt to kill the Buddha, but Lord Buddha continued to be compassionate towards the cousin. Remember, people are not really jealous of your success; they are rather frustrated with their own failures.

Take your time in forgiving. If we keep forgiving easily, people may continue repeating the mistake. Sometimes it’s good to take time in forgiving, so the person can realize the mistake and render an apology.

When not to forgive?

Though in personal life, it is better to forgive at some point of time, it is a different game at the workplace.

Forgiveness at the workplace

My ex-boss Brigadier C. Mukesh (retired from Indian Army) once told me, “If I have 5,000 people in my team and I forgive 5,000 mistakes (one each), it may cause drastic damage.” Easy forgiveness at the workplace can make people less alert (and professional) and team members may start taking their jobs lightly.

Conclusion

In case of small matters and mistakes, forgive and move on. Sometimes I say it with humour, “Forgive, for your own sake.” In case of complex matters, listen to your inner voice and decide.

 

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Dr Amit Nagpal is Chief Inspirational Storyteller at AL Services. He is a Social Media Influencer,  Author, Speaker/Trainer & Coach. To know more, visit www.dramitnagpal.com. (His special interest and expertise lies in inspirational storytelling, anecdotes and visual storytelling)

AL Services offers content development/story writing, consulting, training and other services in the area of brand storytelling. To know more, write to amit@dramitnagpal.com.

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Dr. Janet Smith Warfield’s Perspective

Dr. Janet Smith Warfield

Why Forgive?

Certainly not because somebody tells you to. That’s the worst possible reason. You won’t mean it and you won’t follow through.

You forgive because it benefits you. It gives you permission to move on with your life and stop giving free rent in your head to people who have hurt you. Why would you want to reward and empower those people by allowing their hurtful conduct to keep repeating itself in your mind? Take your power back by focusing on what you want to do with your life.

Who to Forgive?

Forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the resources you had.

Forgive those who have hurt you so you can take your power back and move on with your own life. To forgive does not mean to forget. If you forget, you haven’t learned the lessons you were intended to learn. If you forget, you won’t change your own conduct – the conduct which contributed to the hurt you experienced.

It is not your job to forcefully change other people’s hurtful conduct or pressure them to beg for your forgiveness. That puts you into self-righteousness. They need to forgive for themselves, if and when they are ready and able. It is your job to protect yourself from their hurtful conduct by telling them how you feel, asking them to stop, and asking them to start doing things differently. If they can’t or won’t, you may have to remove yourself from the relationship or ask them to remove themselves from your presence. In the process, you empower both yourself and them.

A Powerful Video on Forgiveness

This video says it all. Have a box of tissues ready.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv50xrsFNdU

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Dr. Janet Smith Warfield serves wisdom-seekers who want understanding and clarity so they can live peaceful, powerful, prosperous lives. Through her unique combination of holistic, creative, right-brain transformational experiences and 22 years of rigorous, left-brain law practice, she has learned how to sculpt words in atypical ways to shift her listeners into experiences beyond words, transforming turmoil into inner peace. To learn more, go to www.wordsculptures.com,  www.janetsmithwarfield.com, and www.wordsculpturespublishing.com.

Can You Be Authentically Angry and Authentically Fair at the Same Time?

Sep 05
2009

My first thought was, “No, I can’t be authentically angry and authentically fair at the same time.”

In our human world, I frequently experience a sudden shift from being fair and reasonable to feeling rage when a person on the other side of a transaction stops being fair and reasonable, blames, doesn’t listen, doesn’t respond, and tries to control, manipulate or dictate an outcome that is not mutually acceptable. 

However, at a different level of consciousness, I think I can be both authentically angry and authentically fair.

On the human level, “fair and reasonable” assumes that the other and I have a mutual goal – working together to create a result that neither of us could create alone. We brainstorm and mastermind, throwing our thoughts out to each other and exchanging information about what we can do and what we can’t. We look for alternate ways of creating the result. Together, we make it happen. This happened for me recently with the help of almost 40 other people. It was both mind-boggling and humbling. 

“Fair and reasonable” at the human level breaks down when the goals of the parties are no longer identical. The homeowner wants a beautiful, well-built home. The builder wants to pocket as much money as possible with as little expense as possible. If the original understanding was that the builder would construct a house in accordance with specific plans using specific materials, and the homeowner would make progress payments, when one of them does not do what they agreed to do, it’s very easy, on the human level, to shift from “fair and reasonable” to authentically angry. 

“Authentically angry” is, of course, an emotion. “Fair and reasonable” is a function of the rational mind and normally involves committed action.

What does it mean to be “authentically angry”?

It does not mean lashing out with blame, criticism, and name-calling. Those are actions, not emotions, and often they’re done re-actively, not consciously. Experience tells me they are not useful. 

It does, however, mean noticing and feeling my anger. Then I can decide what to do with it. 

Usually, I have to shift from creative mode to assertive mode. While before I was working with another to create a mutually beneficial result, now I am taking unilateral action to create a mutually beneficial result. I am still being authentically fair and reasonable but I am using my authentic anger to change my own actions.

Change is never directed at the other. It is only directed at myself.

The mutually beneficial result may not feel mutually beneficial to either of us on a human level at the time, but from hindsight, it is always a karmic vehicle for bringing both of us into harmony on a more expanded spiritual level. 

When I first moved to the part of the world where I am now living, I rented a home from a Long Island real estate investor. I told him I needed to stay in the rental until my own home was built. He agreed. I thought my lease protected me. 

Two years later, someone  else offered to pay him more money and give him a three year lease. He asked if I would match the offer. I said, “No. I couldn’t make that kind of commitment.” He sent me an eviction notice. 

Fury does not adequately describe what I felt. I had always paid my rent on time and took good care of the place. Yet this man didn’t care. All he wanted was more money. 

I spoke with several local officials and attorneys. They told me he had every legal right to evict me. 

“What if I refuse to leave?” I asked. 

“You’ll get a judgment against you,” they replied. 

I had no legal support and no other worldly options. However, I had spiritual options. I left politely and quickly. I wanted my landlord to receive as little additional money from me as possible.  

My landlord breached his agreement with me. At the human level, there was nothing fair and reasonable about this. But was there a spiritual benefit? Absolutely.

I had learned once again that I needed to be more selective in choosing the people to whom I gave my trust and my money. This man had helped me step into my own sharpened discernment, assertiveness and power.

And the spiritual, karmic benefit to him? My landlord’s wonderful new tenant breached his agreement with my landlord. The house has now been vacant for over a year.